HEADLINES

Subway... Feet Fresh :
Many New York City subway riders expressed opposition this week to the recent rise in $50 citations given out to people for putting their feet on the seats, while others support it. "Some people just have no respect for their fellow riders," said Manny, the unkempt Gulf War veteran who uses the 4 train as a toilet.

Va-China :
Olympic Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhoe Hongbo came out of practical obscurity last night to win the gold medal in doubles figure skating, then announced their plans to have a child. Viewers were shocked when they won, and even more shocked to learn that a male figure skater was a heterosexual.

A-Less is A-Mour :
A panel of experts decided this week that the french word "amour" meaning "love" is the world's most romantic word. Coming in dead last for the seventh straight year - "gaping-soggy-grundle-Nazi."

Fur-tive Effort By Under-Dog who Shows no Paws :
New York City's annual dog show for sheltered dogs was won this year by a pit bull with only three legs, giving credence to the old football saying - "It's not the dog in the fight - it's the extent to which Michael Vick maimed that dog."