HEADLINES

#1, Hold the Spit :
A black New York man is seeking legal action against Burger King after a white employee spit on his burger, claiming it was an act of racism. The head of Burger King has assured the public that this story is a fabrication, and there will be spit on your burger regardless of your race.

Go Get 'Em, Tiger! :
It has been reported that in two weeks Tiger Woods will exit sex rehab and go back to his everyday life of sinking his balls in holes. No word yet on when he'll return to the golf green.

Mile High (as Shit) Club:
A man was arrested on a plane out of San Francisco this week for dropping his pants and chasing a flight attendant after he claims he ate a prescription marijuana cookie. Authorities suspect something more along the lines of a cocaine pound cake.

Mr. Edwards Goes to Washington :
The New York Post reported today that during a recent dispute, former Senator John Edwards smacked his cancer stricken wife Elizabeth. This should come as no surprise, as in 2004, Edwards voted "Yes" on the controversial, "Hitting Women with Terminal Cancer Bill."