HEADLINES

Nerds Amongst Us :
A new survey has found that 1 in 5 people believe that alien life forms exist amongst us. A similar survey found that 4 in 5 people are not obese virgins living with their mothers.

Lady & The Trampoline :
George Nissen, the inventor of the trampoline, died this week at the age of 96. While his family did not immediately reveal the cause of his death, the safe assumption is a double bounce from his older brother gone awry.

Which One is Her Nipple? :
A Canadian publishing company has announced plans to release braille pornography for the blind. In related news, a large number of blind men have begun to learn reading braille with their left hands.

Darn Tootin'! :
Figures released today show that Sarah Palin has made $12 million since stepping down as Governor of Alaska one year ago. Palin plans to spend the money on better blinds, to keep those pesky neighboring Russians from peaking in her windows.