HEADLINES

Super Duper Nintendo :
The CEO of Nintendo gaming systems has announced the company's plan to create a 3D system within the decade. "Haaaaaaaa!" replied every adult virgin in the world before puffing on their inhalers.

Safe Cyber Poking :
A study conducted in the UK found a link between the growth of the social network Facebook and the shocking rise of STDs amongst the country's youth. It should come as no surprise as Facebook was known for sleeping around in college.

Autism Reeks :
Alex Hermann, the autistic boy from Illinois who had a perfect NCAA March Madness bracket through two rounds, was dealt his first loss this week when Butler upset Syracuse. "It was certainly a lot of fun," said the boys father while loading his son in the car to be lobotomized and locked in a padded room.

1 Out of 3 Ain't Bad :
A recent study found that 1 out of 3 women in America would be willing to have sex with a complete stranger for a large sum of money. The survey was conducted over the course of 20 years by Charlie Sheen.