HEADLINES

Hospitable Gown :
A fashion designer in the UK has designed a new hospital gown that is more sleek, comfortable, and provides more privacy - so now your incontinent grandma can shit herself with style and confidence.

Red Hot Chili Peppers :
The Indian government is experimenting with the hottest chili pepper in the world to develop a new weapon for military purposes. To date the only casualties have been a half a dozen toilets.

This Little Piggy Was Severed :
A six year old Chinese boy born with seven fingers on each hand is set to undergo an experimental surgery to remove the excess fingers - a decision he will surely regret once he's old enough to masturbate.

Foot Fetish Soldiers :
Word leaked from the Pentagon today that the United States military is set to revoke its stance against homosexual members in its ranks and repeal the much debated "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In unrelated news, the United States government put in an order for 50,000 pairs of camouflage cutoffs.