HEADLINES

What's Your Emergency, Slugger? :
Yesterday a 3 year old in New Jersey was called a hero for calling 9-1-1 after his grandmother had a diabetic seizure. Two hours later the boy was called a menace when he called 9-1-1 and ordered three pizzas.

Mi Amore It :
The fast food chain McDonald's has announced that they will begin selling a "McItaly Burger" at its Italian locations which features mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce. The announcement couldn't come at a better time as Italians are really getting fed up with the lines at the Olive Garden.

New Jersey Nots :
The New Jersey Nets beat the Los Angeles Clippers yesterday to improve their season record to 4-40 and moving them just two games away from contention for the Special Olympics.

That's One Handsome Penis :
7'1 Portland Trailblazer player Greg Oden is in hot water for taking a picture of his penis and putting it on the Internet. Oden initially tried to play down the incident by claiming that it in fact wasn't his penis but rather a Haitian orphan he adopted.