HEADLINES

Old Man Jumper :
A 96 year old South African man made history this week by becoming the oldest person on record to bungee jump. To save money, in lieu of a bungee cord the man used his scrotum.

McCamp McVictory :
The United States military has announced plans to cease the distribution of fast food at certain military bases located in Afghanistan. To add insult to injury, they also intend to take away the trampolines and go-kart course.

Consult a Physician :
The prescription drug company giant Novartis is officially being brought to trial for discriminatory hiring practices concerning woman. Said one Novartis official, "It's just not easy having women around while experiencing an erection lasting longer than three hours."

White Horse Whitney :
After being hospitalized shortly before a European concert earlier in the week, Whitney Houston assured fans it was simply due to an allergic reaction. When asked what she was allergic to, Whitney replied, "Cocaine."