HEADLINES

Jesse and the Rapers :
Actor John Stamos found himself in the headlines this week following allegations of sexual contact with an underage girl and alleged records that can prove it. While the records don't actually show Stamos, it's easy to tell it's him as he proclaims, "Have Mercy" at the point of climax.

The Garfield Special :
A supermarket chain in England has begun selling pre-packaged Lasagna sandwiches in an attempt to bring more culture to their food selection. The sandwiches will be located between the baked ziti parfaits and meatball juice.

Cock of the Walk :
A team of university scientists have come to the definitive conclusion that the chicken came before the egg. Now the team is off to unravel other age old mysteries such as, why did the pot call the kettle black?

That's All Folks! :
Two men were escorted out of a Six Flags theme park in Illinois this week after beating up a female employee dressed as Porky Pig. While no motive has been discovered, all signs point to ever growing hatred toward those with speech impediments.