HEADLINES

Man's Best Friend with Benefits :
A recent study has shown that 1/5 of people prefer spending Valentine's Day with their pet as opposed to a spouse or significant other. An unrelated study shows that 1/5 of household pets are molested every Valentine's Day.

What the Crack? :
A man in Michigan told police that he was robbed at gunpoint after attempting to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. The man said he hasn't been this outraged since a prostitute declined his government bonds last week.

Erin Go Bra-less :
The man accused of taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room with a hidden camera, allegedly had 16 other hotel videos of sports personalities. Amongst the more popular ones were John Madden man-scaping and Dick Vitale inserting an enema.

Hooter-nanny :
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. One buyer seems interested - he can't really afford it, but the woman he's been dealing with has been touching his arm and seems really into him.

The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. They'd consider a package deal of two buyers at $125 million - one for each tit.*

*Written by my dad.