HEADLINES

Roses Are Red, Faces Are White :
Police in an Amsterdam airport stopped a shipment of roses this week when they found a substantial amount of cocaine stashed in the bouquet. The police became suspicious when the roses got in their face and would not shut up about what an awesome time they were having.

Mary Jane Twatson :
It was announced today that the fourth installment of Spiderman will be shot entirely in 3-D. It's assumed that the premiere of the film will coincide with the stripping of the medical license of Kirsten Dunst's dentist.

Dinosaur Bone(r)s :
The Discovery Channel has green lit a show called "Tyrannosaurus Sex" which will explore the highly unknown mating habits of dinosaurs. Spoiler alert - the male dinosaur puts his penis in the female dinosaur.

Cheeb-us Christ :
Police in El Paso, Texas stopped the smuggling of 30 lbs of marijuana yesterday after finding it hidden in an over sized framed picture of Jesus Christ. They knew something was awry when they noticed that Jesus was wearing a Widespread Panic t-shirt and eating a Choco-Taco.