HEADLINES

Burrito-Chill :
A 28 year old Michigan man was arrested this weekend for walking into a convenient store and eating a burrito and a bag of Funyuns, before revealing he had no money to pay for the items. The man will be charged with larceny, loitering, and smoking awesome pot.

Hairy Leg Day :
This weekend, thousands of men in New York City took to the streets wearing classic Scottish skirts to celebrate Tartan Day - or as they call it in the East Village, "Sunday."

Steel 'Er Innocence :
Today a Georgia DA threw out a case of sexual assault against Pittsburgh Steeler's quarterback Ben Roethlisberger stemming from an incident at a bar one month ago. To save time, however, the DA went ahead and booked Mr. Roethlisberger for the sexual assault he will allegedly commit next month.

What Now Justin Beiber? :
A 13 year old boy from California is seeking to make history by becoming the youngest person to ever climb to the peak of Mount Everest. No word yet on how the young man plans to deal with the physical demands, unpredictable conditions, and unavoidable erections every 30 to 40 minutes.