HEADLINES

Jean-Jacques Roustoned :
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.

Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.

Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.

Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.