HEADLINES

Snow White Collar Crime :

Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"

Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :

Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*

Truffle Shuffle :

The Style Network has announced a new show called Too Fat For 15 - a weight loss show which follows the struggles of obese teens. Many of the contestants are sick and tired of schoolmates mocking them - luckily this show will open a big window, to have the entire country mock them.

What's in a Name? :

A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.

*Submitted by the old man