HEADLINES

Sexism, Your Ass! :
A recent survey of women conducted by the University of Connecticut, found that an overwhelming majority consider all men to be sexist to a certain degree. Said all men, "What do they know? They're just women."

Grand Theft Trig :
The creators of the Nintendo gaming system have announced that the future of the company lies in educational, school-friendly games. The creators of X-Box said that their games already are educational and teach kids lessons like - if a hooker owes you 5K and only coughs over 4, slam the bitches head 9 times in a car door for the total sum.

Heidi Seek :
Heidi Montag has fired her agent who is also a full time psychic after only 2 weeks of his service. Luckily he took it pretty easy as the oracle had foreseen the prophecy.

Schindler's Craigs List :
The actual document drafted by Oskar Schindler, complete with the names of every Jew he saved from the Holocaust, is going to be put up for auction soon with the asking price of $2.2 million. Many well to do Jews are interested in purchasing, but they're going to wait till the Sunday Times prints a coupon.