HEADLINES

The Aroostook Bore :
The State Senate of New Hampshire is locked in a heated debate over whether to declare the official state drink milk or apple cider, making it official - New Hampshire is the new Delaware.

Dot Com-motion :
Today the first ever "dot com" website domain celebrated its 25th birthday. The historic milestone was celebrated by internet execs, the technological community, and chronic masturbaters everywhere.

Cig Bums :
An anti-smoking group is blaming the current spike in numbers of teenage girls smoking to a strategically placed, risque advertisement by Camel in women's magazines. They have ruled out the reason being that cigarettes make you feel good, look older, and lose weight.

Got the Tism :
Scientists released a study today which found without a shadow of a doubt that autism is not caused by vaccines despite a media crusade launched by Jenny McCarthy. The discovery begs the question - If you can't trust a former Playboy model, turned co-host of a short lived MTV dating game, who went on to make a string of ill-fated straight to VHS movies before hooking up with Jim Carey - who can you trust?