HEADLINES

Oh, Canada :
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.

Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.

Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.