HEADLINES

Fantastic Whore :
A woman in China is receiving a litany of plastic surgeries to look more like Jessica Alba to be more attractive to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the woman's boyfriend wasn't more into Lucy Liu, in which case she'd just have to comb her hair differently.

Saudi A-Rap-ia :
This weekend an 80 year old Saudi Arabian man married a 12 year old girl. The man claims they have a relationship like any other 80 year old man and 12 year old girl, and he frequently pushes her on the sex swing.

Beer Muscles :
A new scientific study has shown that drinking beer actually does make you stronger. The study was conducted by a group of scientists with a keg and novelty rhombus shaped weights.

Pal-in the Ass :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin received negative press yesterday for giving a speech to Tea Party members with what appeared to be notes written on her hand. It seems likely as its hard to beleive she could remember a line like "hopey change" on her own.