HEADLINES

Granny Get Your Gun :
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.

Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."

Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.

Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.