HEADLINES

Extra Cheese :
A woman was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday with 54 pounds of cocaine. When questioned by authorities the woman fled on foot, but was detained 12 minutes later in St. Louis.

Change? :
Tonight President Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address. It is speculated that Obama will pull the "I never said 'Positive Change'," card.

Drugstore O'Cowboy :
A man in Oregon attempted to rob a drugstore earlier this week in search of oxycontin, but instead stole all prescriptions that were ready for pickup for customers with last names starting in "O." Not all was lost, as old man O'Reilly had some mad Flomax.

Edwards Porno Hands :
A aid to former Senator John Edwards has hinted that there is a sex tape featuring him and his mistress Rielle Hunter. While there is never a closeup of Edwards' face, you can tell it's him because his crotch has a $1,000 bouffant.