HEADLINES

Get Out of Town! :
Former Major League Baseball great Mark McGwire admitted yesterday to using steroids during his historic 1998 season when he broke the league home run record. In other shocking revelations yesterday, Freddie Mercury was gay, OJ Simpson is a murderer, and David Hasselhoff is an alcoholic.

I Can't Feel My Face :
A man is suing a New York City strip club after he allegedly blacked out for 90 minutes, then came to and found that he had been charged $21,000. The man is expected to rescind his lawsuit in about a week when the crabs, syphilis, and herpes show up.

Fantastic Mrs. Fox :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin accepted a job as a journalist for the Fox News Channel yesterday. Palin is already planning a monumental interview with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin which she will conduct via a can on a string from her house.

Simon Says :
Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving American Idol following this season. Randy said the announcement was "a little pitchy." Paula said Simon, "looked beautiful as always." Kara said "he is sure to be a star." America has spoken, and Simon is a douche bag.