HEADLINES

Rumbly in My Tumbly :
A California airport was shut down yesterday after the detection of a potentially hazardous substance in a passenger's luggage, which turned out to be honey. Unfortunately they did not identify the substance quick enough, as Winnie the Pooh was anally searched then water boarded.

Fat People Got - No Reason :
5,000 users were kicked off of the popular dating website BeautifulPeople.com this week for being "too fat." The people in question yelled and screamed until they ran out of breath, passed out, then woke up, ate a salami and went back to playing World of Warcraft.

Rosie the Riveting Whore :
Rosie O'Donnell went into detail yesterday morning on her Sirius radio show about her new relationship and described it as "delicious." Rosie made headlines by causing 10,000 people to dry gag and by forever tainting the adjective "delicious."

Now for Some Good Ol' Fashion Racism! :
African Americans in New York are outraged by the use of the word "Negro" on the 2010 state census. White policy makers were quick to calm everyone down and explain that this is just so they know which censuses to count as 3/5 of the others.