HEADLINES

State of the Parenthood :
New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested yesterday for allegedly shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card. Governor Paterson thought he gave his son a stern talking to, but he was simply shouting at a coat rack with a hat on it.

2:00 Minutes for Being Western :
A professional Pakistani hockey player was reprimanded this week after a picture surfaced of him drinking beer and hugging a woman. The man had to issue a public statement, the woman was sterilized, stoned, and beheaded.

Now For Some Lowbrow Jay Leno Humor :
A Florida couple this weekend got married in the supermarket where they met. Have you seen this have you heard about this? Apparently they're not too confident in the marriage, they got married in the 5 years or less lane. (guitar riff) Five years or less lane! (Kevin Eubanks murmuring) You know where they honeymooned, Kev? ("No man.") The meat counter! (guitar riff) The meat counter! (Standing ovation from stupid tourists).

Canada was a Little Rough on The Beaver :
A Canadian publisher has announced plans to change the name of the country's oldest magazine, The Beaver, because their emails to readers are being censored as pornographic spam. They will change their name to, Canadian Life, Ideas, and Times or simply, CLIT.