HEADLINES

Tricks Aren't For Kids :
In an attempt to class up it's legalized prostitution sector, the Dutch government is seeking to enforce new laws which would prohibit brothels from opening before noon and mandate that call girls be at least 23. "Boy this is classy!" proclaimed one tourist tripping on peyoti, while banging a 23 year old hooker at 12:05 pm.

No Sleep till 7 PM in Brooklyn :
In Brooklyn yesterday a 99 year old man got into a physical altercation with an 83 year old man over a parking space. The 99 year old had the upper hand until he tripped over his testicles and the 83 year old capitalized.

The Cuban Man-Missile Removal Crisis :
Only a couple years after being illegal, the Cuban government is now sponsoring state sanctioned sexual reassignment surgeries for those who seek them. In unrelated news, it's been a while since the world has heard from Fidel Castro, but his newly discovered sister Fiona Castro is filling in nicely.

From Blue to Brown State :
In a special election yesterday in Massachusetts, Republican Scott Brown shocked the nation by winning in the historically Democratic state, especially following heavy backlash for a nude pictorial in Cosmopolitan Magazine 20 years ago. In his defense, the Bay State loved Ted Kennedy's spread eagle pictorial on Mature Fatty Lovers dot com.