HEADLINES

Barack O-Billboard :
The White House is up in arms about a new billboard in Times Square using Barack Obama's likeness to advertise Weatherproof Jackets. They'll be even more upset next week when Joe Biden's banjo playing "Viva Viagra" ad hits the airwaves.

2D is so 2009 :
Sports fans are in a frenzy over ESPN's announcement that they will launch a 3D sports channel within the decade. "What dorks," replied a 40 year old, dressed as an ewok, in his mother's basement.

Taco Belle of the Ball :
Dietitians are upset about Taco Bell's new advertising campaign which promotes their food as a dietary alternative. Explained one Taco Bell executive, "When you spend 7 hours a day on the toilet, it really limits your eating time."

The Adorable Migration :
Due to an unsafe overpopulation in California, animal rights activists are shipping chihuahuas to New York City. In related news, there is now an overpopulation of General Tso's chicken in Chinatown.