HEADLINES

Sex and the Saudi :
A Saudi Arabian man has come under fire from the ultra conservative Saudi government for going on television and giving advice on how to spice up your sex life. Among the man's more radical suggestions was, let the woman out of her cage.

I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning :
34 employees at a bank in Texas were hospitalized yesterday for dizziness and trouble breathing, in what authorities initially reported as carbon dioxide poisoning. Further investigation, however revealed that the cause of sickness was a fellow employees tainted perfume bottle. The perfume was the new controversial Nausea by Calvin Klein.

It's Gettin' Hot in Heeeeere :
Allen Stanford, a white color criminal who stole over 7 billion dollars, has requested to be moved to a different federal prison, because the one he is currently in is not air conditioned. In related news, Carlos the rapist has requested to also be moved because the brunch buffet has a sub par carving station.

Strong Island Redux :
A national health survey has found that Zach's Beach in Long Island is the most polluted beach in the United States. The most prominent pollutants were hair gel and 5 dollar cologne from Hollister.