HEADLINES

Louisville Drugger :
Last night was Major League Baseball's annual Home Run Derby. The first 500 children under the age of 10 to arrive received HGH and a syringe signed by the participants.

M-Gay :
A new book to be published claims that the late Michael Jackson was a homosexual who partook in many gay liaisons over the last two decades. In other shocking news, it has been determined that the Earth is round.

"F" is for Fat :
A study conducted in New York City has determined that obese students do significantly worse in school than their fit counterparts. When reached for comment, one obese student said, "pass the salt."

Pimps, Hoes, and Bikers :
In order to reduce global warming a brothel in Berlin, Germany is offering a reduced rate if clients ride a bike to the house of ill repute, as opposed to a car. A small minority of men might consider removing the seat from said bicycles and cutting out the middle man.