HEADLINES

Toakland, Brah' :
On Tuesday, Oakland became the first city in California to begin taxing the sale of medical marijuana in an attempt to stimulate the states struggling economy. When reached for comment, the mayor of Oakland said, "Dude, are you okay to drive to Sonic?"

Soccer Tool-igan :
A spectator who jumped from the stands last week and got into a scuffle with the LA Galaxy's David Beckham has been given a lifetime ban from attending Major League Soccer games. The man joins the 95% of the country who will never step foot in a soccer game. Welcome to the majority!

Boxers or Briefs? :
A German man was arrested last week for allegedly stealing over 1,000 pairs of underwear from various department stores over the course of the past several weeks. Should the man decide to hang himself in his prison cell, he certainly has a lot of elastic waste bands to choose from.

Vice President Vice :
In an interview yesterday Joe Biden stated that Ukrainian women were the most beautiful women in the world. It was a strange response to, "What are your thoughts on the wide scale opposition to the President's new health care initiative?"