HEADLINES

No One Wants to be Defeated -
It is estimated that over 1 million people will be flooding the streets of Los Angeles today to pay their last respects to Michael Jackson, and over 20% of those people will be children. Needless to say, if Michael Jackson is watching he's definitely "beat-ing it."

Can't Stand It -
A budget airline based out of Ireland was given permission this week to sell standing room only tickets for flights to and from Ireland. Now that they've cleared that hurdle, the next obstacle is finding an Irishman who can stand.

Dane in the Ass -
Dane Cook's brother was charged today with stealing over $11 million dollars from his comedian brother over the course of the past 4 years. In the spirit of Dane Cook, this joke will not have a punchline.

Camp "I-Don't-Wanna" -
Through a loop-hole in the legal system, it is unlawful for camps in New York to do background checks on its potential counselors to see whether or not they are sex offenders. Said potential counselors, "What about a hole!!?"

(I scattered the pedophile jokes)