HEADLINES

NYPD Shoe :
An NYPD officer returned to work this week after losing his leg in the line of duty last year. For a year now, the officer has been telling colleagues "I'll be back," to which they responded, "You don't have a leg to stand on."

Marlbor - oh no! :
A New Hampshire man was charged 23 quadrillion dollars for a pack of cigarettes this weekend due to a glitch with the credit card machine. To add insult to injury, the clerk accidentally gave him menthols.

I Can't Believe it's not MJ! :
PETA has announced that they will make a life size statue of Michael Jackson out of a non-dairy butter spread as a tribute. If children approach the statue they will find themselves covered in a white, slippery substance; so it will be much like the real Michael Jackson.

Super Market Creep :
An executive of Gristedes supermarket chain was arrested yesterday after planning to meet with a 14 year old girl he met online for sex. To the man's credit, he did bring protection... both paper and plastic.