HEADLINES

Thanks Be to Fraud :
A Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday after dressing up as a Roman Catholic priest and visiting patients in a local hospital. The authorities became skeptical of the man when the patients in the children's wing went unmolested.

It's Just Not Cricket :
Supreme Court hopeful Sonia Sotomayor has admitted that during her first year of attending Princeton University she could not sleep because she was terrified of the crickets around her dormitory. Sotomayor went on to say, "A person who's afraid of minuscule insects, can make a better judgment than a white man."

Apoca-Calypso :
Mel Gibson recently finished directing his Russian girlfriend's new music video. The video is already being considered the front runner for the VMA's prestigious "Best X-Rated Torture Scene in a Holocaust Denying Video."

'We Don't Need No Stinkin' Deodorant' :
The employees of an office building in Santa Fe, New Mexico are claiming that there is a stench in the building so bad that they are no longer able to work there. Explained the buildings manager, "I'm sorry, that's just Mexico."