HEADLINES

Textual Relations :
New York Senator Chuck Shumer introduced legislation last week which would put a strict ban on text messaging by train and bus operators in the state of New York. Said one bus driver, "Omfg - toats pwnage - l8r".

Pound for Pound (Cake) :
Army Colonel Henry Moak celebrated his retirement from the United States Army yesterday by opening an army rationed piece of pound cake he had in his possession since 1969 and eating it. In unrelated news, Army Colonel Henry Moak has died of dysentery.

Thanks be to Super Sets :
A church in Ohio has been renovated and turned into a gym, while keeping all the religious symbols and decor in place. Many woman have already complained that the shaggy haired guy on the cross is ogling them inappropriately.

Right and Thong :
Police in Mississippi this weekend were on the hunt for a woman who carjacked another citizen while wearing a bikini. Eyewitnesses described the suspect as Caucasian, 5'4, and unshaven.