HEADLINES

Rumble in The Bronx:
A 22 year old man was arrested in a club in the Bronx this weekend after allegedly punching a fellow club goer in the face, after she refused his request to dance with him. In the man's defense, it may have been a cabbage patch gone awry.

Little People, Big Controversy:
Little people around the USA are protesting the use of the term "Midget" on television broadcasts. To show that they are serious they've threatened to take the networks to small claims court.

Strong Island:
Due to a 150% rise in mosquitoes so far this year in Long Island resulting from above average rainfall, officials are releasing a gas which is thought to stop mosquitoes from mating and procreating. Next up, a similar gas, but for guidos.

The Obama and the Heir:
On the 4th of July, a sea turtle named Obama was re-released into the waters of the coast of Key West, Florida. In related news, a sea turtle named for Vice President Joe Biden was found dead, having choked on its own foot.