HEADLINES

Movin' on Up :
On Tuesday a man from Arkansas was arrested for living in a Pennsylvania family's attic for over a week. The family became aware of the man's presence when his sister dropped by for a booty call.

Manny Being Manny :
Manny Ramirez, who was suspended from Major League Baseball in April for taking female fertility drugs, was suspended from a game yesterday after throwing his batting helmet, bat, and storming away from an umpire after a close strike call. Manny went to the clubhouse where he took a bath, ate ice cream, and cried while watching "Grey's Anatomy."

Thanks be to TV :
A new reality show in development will put 10 atheists in a house with a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam, who will all try to convert the contestants before the shows finale. Word of advice to the Rabbi; I wouldn't open with the circumcision.

DWI - Driving While In the Nude :
Police pulled over a drunk driver in Delaware last night, only to find that the man was not wearing any pants. Said the inebriated driver, "I didn't think I drove a stick."