HEADLINES

Time to Make the Doughnuts, 'ey :
This morning in New York City, thirteen Tom Horton's doughnuts shops opened up. Tom Horton's is a Canadian franchise which serves doughnuts which are extremely high in sugar, fat, and calorie count, making it the unhealthiest Canadian import since John Candy.

Zoo-bama :
A zoo in Germany apologized this weekend for naming a chimpanzee "Obama"; a gesture which many people found racially insensitive. Still no apologies for the jack-ass named "Biden" or the female canine named "Clinton."

Bottle Service :
Over ten of New York City's most popular night clubs were fined this week, after it was discovered that they fill their top shelf liquor bottles with cheaper liquor and significantly over charge for it. In the clubs' defense, they didn't want their dads to find out they drank all of the good stuff.

Supreme Court Drudge :
Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court began this morning. Sotomayor, who would be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, actually arrived late to the proceedings. Allegedly she had trouble hitching a ride from the Home Depot parking lot.

(Sorry about that last one... it was too good not to use)