MEGA-HEADLINES

Wall Street to Easy Street :
The NY Post published an article yesterday about a man who left his position on Wall Street to drive a New York City cab, in which he attempts to sell his screenplay to wealthy passengers. Unfortunately his attempts have failed such far, possibly because he screams the script synopsis in Creole into his blue tooth.

My Heart Will Go On (Unfortunately) :
Celine Dion announced earlier this week that she and her husband are expecting their second child. That's right, there will be another person who hates Celine Dion.

Five Jacksons, One Cup :
It has been announced that Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th, about two and a half months after passing away in his California home. This is pretty typical, as in life Michael used to wait until boys were about two and a half months before burying himself in them.

Dude Looks Like a Lady (But More Like a Dude) :
An African runner who has been competing against woman to qualify for the next Summer Olympics has been ordered to take a gender test by the Olympic Committee. The Olympic Committee became suspicious of the athlete when her penis failed to clear the second hurdle.

What the Crack? :
A Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found 19 bags of crack hidden in her bra. The authorities knew something was awry after Bobby Brown was discovered motor boating her for upwards of an hour.

From Russia with Gold :
During these hard economic times, Russian people have become outraged after discovering that a high ranking government official has ordered a bed made of solid gold. The official has admitted to ludicrous spending and will return the bed and spend the money on vodka as expected.

Pele Melee :
A 23 year old Wyoming woman who was volunteering at a hospital has been arrested for punching a 13 year old mentally challenged, wheel chair bound patient during a friendly game of soccer. In the woman's defense the boy may have taken an exaggerated flop to get a call.

Tonight on the L Train - Live Nudes :
A 19 year old New York woman stripped naked on the L train yesterday and performed an exotic pole dance for many confused riders. In related news there has been a strange outbreak of chlamydia on New Yorker's hands.