HEADLINES

Brown Acid Reflux :
This weekend marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Woodstock Music Festival in upstate New York. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the event with a 15 second moment of silence, then went back to pumping my gas.

It's Hard Out There for a Shrimp :
A New York man is suing Costco for buying a pre-packaged shrimp cocktail platter that weighed 13.5 ounces and not 15 ounces as advertised. Going forth with the case is almost as bad of an idea as buying pre-packaged seafood at Costco.

Let's Get Sauced :
Inmates at a Florida penitentiary have begun to market a hot sauce which they make themselves from peppers that they harvest in the jailhouse yard. If it's not the best hot sauce you've tasted, you'll get a full cash refund and a cap in your ass.

Secretary of Hate :
During a goodwill tour of Africa on Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a student in the Congo who implied that Clinton "channeled" her decisions through her husband Bill. Hillary made clear that the only things she's ever channeled from Bill were Chelsea and an open sore on her lip.