HEADLINES

Folsom Prison Green :
Through a miscommunication, more than 1,500 inmates across the United States received bailout checks from the United States government last week. The government immediately sought to rectify the issue by retrieving the money, however it was in the form of cigarettes, wine made in a toilet, and a 140 pound bitch named Miguel.

Beat Your Street Meat :
A New York City street vendor who has sold hot dogs in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for years has been told to relocate by authorities. The man is distraught because no one likes wieners more than the men who attend the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Air Vick: Golden Receiver :
Michael Vick made his debut last night with the Philadelphia Eagles in a preseason game; the first action he's seen since being released from federal custody for dog fighting charges. It was a positive return for Vick, as he went 4 for 4, showed confident pocket presence, and didn't electrocute any canines.

Grateful (Almost) Dead :
Ang Lee's new film "Taking Woodstock" premiered this week in Los Angeles and amongst the many invitees were people who actually attended the famous concert in the summer of 1969. Most of them turned down the invite, however, as they didn't want to give up their prime sleeping spot on a street corner in San Francisco.