HEADLINES

J-E-T-S, Papi!!! :
New York Jets' head coach Rex Ryan announced this morning that Mexican-American rookie Mark Sanchez will be the Jets starting quarterback for the upcoming NFL season. In other outsourcing news, five Pakistani men in wireless headsets will be replacing the Jets' offensive line.

Crikey! :
Reuters reports that through a glitch in the legal system, it will not be illegal to sell pornography to minors in the United Kingdom during the next three months, sending pre-teen British boys into a frenzy. Allegedly the United Kingdom has not yet acquired the internet.

Aggravated Splashing :
A Chicago woman is suing a local zoo after being splashed by a dolphin during an outdoor water exhibit. In related news, a horse is being sued for indecent exposure.

Who Needs a Mini Bar? :
All week the New York Post has been reporting on a posh hotel in the meat packing district of Manhattan where people have gathered to see naked tenants on display in the floor to ceiling windows. Today the Post reports that building management has encouraged tenants to strike provocative poses, but have drawn the line at meat packing.