HEADLINES

The Reta...SPECIAL Olympics :
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, the sister of John and Robert Kennedy, and founder of the Special Olympics will be laid to rest this afternoon. As a tribute to her life and legacy, her funeral will be attended by family, friends, and assholes looking for a cheap laugh.

Cock(tail) n' Roll :
For the 35th annual World Cocktail Championship, 1,000 bartenders from 52 countries traveled to Berlin this past weekend to show off their skills and compete for the title. With 1,000 bartenders present, guys still had to wait 20 minutes for a drink.

Justice is Served ... with Salsa :
In celebration of Judge Sonia Sotomayor's appointment to the Supreme Court, officials in her hometown of the Bronx are planning a lavish celebration as a tribute. Ruth Bader Ginsberg will bring chips and salsa, and Antonin Scalia will bring good judgment and an understanding of the Constitution.

Across 110th Street :
Former President Bill Clinton recently worked with the people at Zagat to put together a collection of tourist attractions to see in Harlem while visiting New York City. So pick up a copy of Zagat if you're in the Harlem area and looking for a $5 blow job.