HEADLINES

Have Your Bear Spayed or Neutered :
Bob Barker began a campaign last week to have several black bears currently in poorly kept Florida zoos re-released into the wild. Barker feels that the bears need freedom, the comfort of living amongst their own, and A NEW CAR!!!

Lady's Night - Men Bone Free :
A bar in Long Island was shut down this weekend after it was discovered that the managers were trafficking Brazilian prostitutes to bar patrons. Authorities became suspicious of the establishment when they noticed guidos actually leaving with women.

Cuban Shiiiiit :
The government of Cuba has announced that as a result of its struggling economy, they are going to run out of a sufficient amount of toilet paper by the end of 2009. The Communist nation is already in the course of drafting a plan to share a single square... watch out for taco night.

If You Remember the 60s ... You're Now a Functioning Member of Society :
The historic Woodstock Music Festival celebrated its 40th anniversary this past weekend. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the occasion with family, friends, and a 9 foot tie-dye rabbit.