HEADLINES

Daze of Glory :
It is expected that later today the Arena Football League will declare bankruptcy bringing an end to its 22 year existence. Philadelphia Storm owner Jon Bon Jovi said he's going to use the extra time to focus on his soccer mom haircut.

Just Zoo It :
An Ohio family successfully completed a goal of visiting 52 zoos in 52 weeks across the United States this past week. When asked what their motivation was, they responded "an excuse to leave Ohio."

Rusky Flusky :
The Russian government has told residents who will be traveling outside the country to consume whiskey, because they think it serves as a cure for swine flu. In related news, the entire nation of Ireland is still free from swine flu.

Mister Frost-cheese :
A Long Island man has been arrested for using his job at the ice cream shop "Mister Frostee" as a cover to sell cocaine to customers. Police became suspicious of the establishment when Lindsay Lohan became a 9 times a week customer.