Schooner? Damn Near Killed 'Er :
Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old California girl attempting to sail solo around the world had to be rescued from the Indian Ocean this week. Abby demonstrated tremendous courage and maturity on her way to ultimately proving what has long been suspected - girls are terrible at everything.
American Stalker :
A former military man was sentenced to 2 years in prison today after being convicted of stalking Ryan Seacrest. Randy said the sentence didn't really work for him, Paula said he looked gorgeous as always, and Simon said it sounded like a sentence given on a cruise ship.
Neverland Dance :
The creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band have announced plans to release a Michael Jackson themed video game within the next year. The game is intended to be the first in a series of "first person molesters."
Dean of Cool :
Jimmy Dean passed away this week at the age of 81. Dean's name will always be synonymous with country music, charity, and the that microwavable breakfast sandwich from Wawa which gave you diarrhea during that road trip.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
HEADLINES
Don't Want No Short People :
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*
Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.
Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."
Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.
* Fascinating Man
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*
Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.
Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."
Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.
* Fascinating Man
Thursday, June 3, 2010
HEADLINES
Beach Tits :
A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.Blue Mountains of Justice :
King of the World? :
A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.Soda Poop :
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
HEADLINES
Dead Man's Float :
Philippe Croizon, a quadruple amputee, is set to defy the odds and swim solo across the English Channel in late July. In related news, mark your calendars for a memorial service for Philippe Croizan in early August.
Off the Wall :
It is being reported that each one of Michael Jackson's three children is set to make $33 million from the late musician's estate. Unfortunately, most of that money is in giraffe food, gloves, and used syringes.
The Ma-Sheen :
Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to spend 30 days in prison after reaching a plea deal following a domestic dispute this past Christmas. In jail, Mr. Sheen will surely be sodomized by two and a half men.
Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout! :
A recent survey has found that New York drivers are the least hospitable in the United States. "Take that survey and shove it up your motha's twat!" commented one New York driver waving a crow bar out his window.
Philippe Croizon, a quadruple amputee, is set to defy the odds and swim solo across the English Channel in late July. In related news, mark your calendars for a memorial service for Philippe Croizan in early August.
Off the Wall :
It is being reported that each one of Michael Jackson's three children is set to make $33 million from the late musician's estate. Unfortunately, most of that money is in giraffe food, gloves, and used syringes.
The Ma-Sheen :
Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to spend 30 days in prison after reaching a plea deal following a domestic dispute this past Christmas. In jail, Mr. Sheen will surely be sodomized by two and a half men.
Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout! :
A recent survey has found that New York drivers are the least hospitable in the United States. "Take that survey and shove it up your motha's twat!" commented one New York driver waving a crow bar out his window.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
HEADLINES
Snow White Collar Crime :
Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :
Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*Truffle Shuffle :
What's in a Name? :
A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.*Submitted by the old man
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
HEADLINES
Stiff Upper Lip :
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".
Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.
Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.
It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".
Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.
Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.
It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.
Monday, May 24, 2010
HEADLINES
Canadian Baby Tuxedo :
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.
The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.
A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!
Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.
The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.
A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!
Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
HEADLINES
Read Between the Lines :
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"
Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.
This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."
H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"
Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.
This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."
H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
HEADLINES
The Reds Like the Green :
A recent survey found that 50% of Russians find bribery to be a legitimate political practice. The other 50% disagreed, but could be persuaded otherwise.
JukeBox Zero :
A stabbing at a bar in North Dakota this weekend was reportedly the result of a fight over the jukebox. One man is greatly injured and the other will likely serve jail time - though the real loser was the man next in line with 2 dollars and a hankering to hear Fine Young Cannibals.
A Pirate's Strife for Me :
A Somali man pleaded guilty in a New York courtroom yesterday to hijacking an American ship last year and partaking in pirate activities. The man is looking at serious jail time, while his parrot was able to smooth talk his way to an immunity agreement.
Where Does Depression Hurt? :
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced plans to layoff as many as 6,000 employees worldwide. They warned that these sudden and unexpected layoffs could lead to fatigue, nausea, headaches, and erections lasting up to 3 hours.
A recent survey found that 50% of Russians find bribery to be a legitimate political practice. The other 50% disagreed, but could be persuaded otherwise.
JukeBox Zero :
A stabbing at a bar in North Dakota this weekend was reportedly the result of a fight over the jukebox. One man is greatly injured and the other will likely serve jail time - though the real loser was the man next in line with 2 dollars and a hankering to hear Fine Young Cannibals.
A Pirate's Strife for Me :
A Somali man pleaded guilty in a New York courtroom yesterday to hijacking an American ship last year and partaking in pirate activities. The man is looking at serious jail time, while his parrot was able to smooth talk his way to an immunity agreement.
Where Does Depression Hurt? :
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced plans to layoff as many as 6,000 employees worldwide. They warned that these sudden and unexpected layoffs could lead to fatigue, nausea, headaches, and erections lasting up to 3 hours.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
HEADLINES
Little Blue Pill, Big Red Rocket :
A dog in New York City with a rare heart condition is responding positively to large doses of the erectile dysfunction pill Viagra. The dog is doing great – the same cannot be said for six people’s legs and a throw pillow.
Brain Damage :
An in depth scientific study has determined that there is no connection between excessive cell phone use and brain cancer. The study did, however, uncover a correlation between excessive cell phone use and being a huge asshole.
Roman’s Got a Woody :
Famed film director Woody Allen has come out to support fellow director Roman Polanski who admittedly partook in the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl decades ago – and when it comes to issues of sexual morality, who better to have in your corner than a 70 year old man who married his adopted, Korean teenage daughter.
She Looks a Little Fatwa :
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, became Miss America last night, becoming the first ever Arab to hold the title. Fakih also set a record by becoming the first ever contestant to partake in the swimsuit competition in a black sheet and head scarf.
A dog in New York City with a rare heart condition is responding positively to large doses of the erectile dysfunction pill Viagra. The dog is doing great – the same cannot be said for six people’s legs and a throw pillow.
Brain Damage :
An in depth scientific study has determined that there is no connection between excessive cell phone use and brain cancer. The study did, however, uncover a correlation between excessive cell phone use and being a huge asshole.
Roman’s Got a Woody :
Famed film director Woody Allen has come out to support fellow director Roman Polanski who admittedly partook in the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl decades ago – and when it comes to issues of sexual morality, who better to have in your corner than a 70 year old man who married his adopted, Korean teenage daughter.
She Looks a Little Fatwa :
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, became Miss America last night, becoming the first ever Arab to hold the title. Fakih also set a record by becoming the first ever contestant to partake in the swimsuit competition in a black sheet and head scarf.
Monday, May 10, 2010
HEADLINES
Balls-Eye :
A Colorado man has been charged with illegally discharging a firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the crotch last week. The man was planning on appealing the charges, but he didn't have the balls.*
Catcher in the Rhino :
It took authorities and zookeepers in Florida 5 hours this week to track down and capture a 4,000 pound rhinoceros which escaped from its cage. They finally found the animal attempting to board a plane to Brazil in a bowler hat and fake moustache.
Captain Porn-Io :
Playboy Magazine has announced the release of an issue with a 3D centerfold - so for all those guys who thought there was nothing more embarrassing than your mom catching you masturbating - throw a pair of 3D glasses into the mix.
The Supremes :
If President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is approved, every Supreme Court Justice will have gone to either Harvard or Yale. "We'll get 'em next time," said Teddy Phelps, DeVry '92.
*Submitted by my Dad.
A Colorado man has been charged with illegally discharging a firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the crotch last week. The man was planning on appealing the charges, but he didn't have the balls.*
Catcher in the Rhino :
It took authorities and zookeepers in Florida 5 hours this week to track down and capture a 4,000 pound rhinoceros which escaped from its cage. They finally found the animal attempting to board a plane to Brazil in a bowler hat and fake moustache.
Captain Porn-Io :
Playboy Magazine has announced the release of an issue with a 3D centerfold - so for all those guys who thought there was nothing more embarrassing than your mom catching you masturbating - throw a pair of 3D glasses into the mix.
The Supremes :
If President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is approved, every Supreme Court Justice will have gone to either Harvard or Yale. "We'll get 'em next time," said Teddy Phelps, DeVry '92.
*Submitted by my Dad.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
HEADLINES
Face the Music :
A 34 year old Spanish man became the first person in the world to successfully receive a face transplant this week, using the face of another person. When asked what he planned on accomplishing next, he replied, "Break into Alcatraz with Sean Connery."Greece Frightenin' :
Granny Panties Redux :
A recent study has found that women in their 60s and 70s are buying sexy lingerie in record numbers. The lingerie really loses something however, when worn over an adult diaper.
I've Got You, Penis :
Today the former Chastity Bono officially became legally recognized as a man following gender reassignment surgery. Mr. Bono is now officially known as "Chaz" though he'll probably be better known as "Sonny and Cher's fat daughter who had a dick glued to her."
HEADLINES
Sweep the Leg :
A Massachusetts woman born with no arms is set to overcome incredible odds and earn her black belt in Tae Kwon Do this week – still no word on how she intends to tie the belt.
Baloncesto Associacion National :
To honor their Mexican-American fan base, and make a political statement against the state’s new immigration laws, the Phoenix Suns wore jerseys with the name “Los Suns” in their playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs last night. The Spurs took it a step further, by sporting backpack blowers and sleeping in a small area of shade during the second half.
100 is the New 85 :
A recent survey of Americans over the age of 100 found that a common factor they credit for longer life is staying up to date with popular culture and changing technology – though most people surveyed were listening to Lou Bega on cassette tape.
What’s in a Name :
Today, a man named Goodluck Jonathan will be sworn in as the new president of the African nation of Nigeria. It was a hard fought campaign, and in the end he just flat out beat his competitor Shitty-Day William.
A Massachusetts woman born with no arms is set to overcome incredible odds and earn her black belt in Tae Kwon Do this week – still no word on how she intends to tie the belt.
Baloncesto Associacion National :
To honor their Mexican-American fan base, and make a political statement against the state’s new immigration laws, the Phoenix Suns wore jerseys with the name “Los Suns” in their playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs last night. The Spurs took it a step further, by sporting backpack blowers and sleeping in a small area of shade during the second half.
100 is the New 85 :
A recent survey of Americans over the age of 100 found that a common factor they credit for longer life is staying up to date with popular culture and changing technology – though most people surveyed were listening to Lou Bega on cassette tape.
What’s in a Name :
Today, a man named Goodluck Jonathan will be sworn in as the new president of the African nation of Nigeria. It was a hard fought campaign, and in the end he just flat out beat his competitor Shitty-Day William.
Monday, May 3, 2010
HEADLINES
Betty Droop :
Veteran television actress Betty White joked on NBC's Today Show this morning that in her upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, she is willing to do anything for a laugh except for nudity - so if you want to see Betty nude, just look at the sleeve of a 50 year old leather jacket which has sustained serious water damage.
Time Scare :
The NYPD along with government officials are seeking a Pakistani man who is suspected of parking an SUV equipped with a explosives in Time Square this weekend. Bystanders immediately became suspicious when they noticed a Pakistani man who wasn't driving a cab.
Request Denied :
A middle school principal in Ridgewood, New Jersey is urging the parents of his students to close down their child's Facebook accounts and keep them away from the social network until they are 18. The principal's plea took an ugly turn, when a group of students waited for him in the parking lot and super poked him.
Not So Corky :
A survey of New York City charter schools has shown that their accommodations for special needs students is amongst the worst in the United States. Said one school representative, "By this time next year our cages will be twice as roomy."
Veteran television actress Betty White joked on NBC's Today Show this morning that in her upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, she is willing to do anything for a laugh except for nudity - so if you want to see Betty nude, just look at the sleeve of a 50 year old leather jacket which has sustained serious water damage.
Time Scare :
The NYPD along with government officials are seeking a Pakistani man who is suspected of parking an SUV equipped with a explosives in Time Square this weekend. Bystanders immediately became suspicious when they noticed a Pakistani man who wasn't driving a cab.
Request Denied :
A middle school principal in Ridgewood, New Jersey is urging the parents of his students to close down their child's Facebook accounts and keep them away from the social network until they are 18. The principal's plea took an ugly turn, when a group of students waited for him in the parking lot and super poked him.
Not So Corky :
A survey of New York City charter schools has shown that their accommodations for special needs students is amongst the worst in the United States. Said one school representative, "By this time next year our cages will be twice as roomy."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
HEADLINES
Jean-Jacques Roustoned :
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.
Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.
Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.
Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.
Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.
Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.
Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
HEADLINES
Three Ring Circustan :
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.
Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?
Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.
Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.
Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?
Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.
Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.
Monday, April 26, 2010
HEADLINES
A Dog Gay Afternoon :
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.
Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.
Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.
Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.
Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.
Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.
Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
HEADLINE
Send Lawyer, Guns, and a $5 Check :
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.
Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.
The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.
Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.
Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.
The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.
Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.
Monday, April 19, 2010
HEADLINES
Oral-Well's Animal Farm :
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.
Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.
Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.
No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.
Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.
Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.
No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
HEADLINES
Triple Stacker, Hold the Phlegm :
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.
Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."
Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.
TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.
Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.
Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."
Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.
TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.
Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!
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