HEADLINES

Textual Relations :
New York Senator Chuck Shumer introduced legislation last week which would put a strict ban on text messaging by train and bus operators in the state of New York. Said one bus driver, "Omfg - toats pwnage - l8r".

Pound for Pound (Cake) :
Army Colonel Henry Moak celebrated his retirement from the United States Army yesterday by opening an army rationed piece of pound cake he had in his possession since 1969 and eating it. In unrelated news, Army Colonel Henry Moak has died of dysentery.

Thanks be to Super Sets :
A church in Ohio has been renovated and turned into a gym, while keeping all the religious symbols and decor in place. Many woman have already complained that the shaggy haired guy on the cross is ogling them inappropriately.

Right and Thong :
Police in Mississippi this weekend were on the hunt for a woman who carjacked another citizen while wearing a bikini. Eyewitnesses described the suspect as Caucasian, 5'4, and unshaven.

HEADLINES

French Onion Splooge :
A man in California is suing a restaurant after finding a condom in his french onion soup. In defense of the dyslexic chef, he got confused by the instructions, "put soup in crock."

All Lockered Up :
A 20 year old German man had to be rescued this weekend after accidentally locking himself in a locker at a train station. Soon after being let go, the man accidentally gave himself a wedgie and held his own head in the toilet.

Dental Problems :
A woman in south Florida has been arrested after illegally running a dental practice out of her own garage. The southern woman had inspected 50 patients and roughly 17 teeth.

Rest in (Mexican) Pizza :
Gidget, the chihuahua who rose to fame in the mid-90s starring in Taco Bell commercials has passed away at the age of 15. Gidget will be memorialized by being cremated and served as a crunch wrap supreme.

HEADLINES

Toakland, Brah' :
On Tuesday, Oakland became the first city in California to begin taxing the sale of medical marijuana in an attempt to stimulate the states struggling economy. When reached for comment, the mayor of Oakland said, "Dude, are you okay to drive to Sonic?"

Soccer Tool-igan :
A spectator who jumped from the stands last week and got into a scuffle with the LA Galaxy's David Beckham has been given a lifetime ban from attending Major League Soccer games. The man joins the 95% of the country who will never step foot in a soccer game. Welcome to the majority!

Boxers or Briefs? :
A German man was arrested last week for allegedly stealing over 1,000 pairs of underwear from various department stores over the course of the past several weeks. Should the man decide to hang himself in his prison cell, he certainly has a lot of elastic waste bands to choose from.

Vice President Vice :
In an interview yesterday Joe Biden stated that Ukrainian women were the most beautiful women in the world. It was a strange response to, "What are your thoughts on the wide scale opposition to the President's new health care initiative?"

HEADLINES

I Now Pronounce You Kelly and Kelly :
A Florida couple who share the same exact name, Kelly Hildebrandt, intend to get married this October marking the first time in United States history that this has occurred. When the expectant groom was asked, "What will it be like pleasuring someone named Kelly Hildebrandt," he replied, "Middle School."

Babies on Board :
A New York based minor league baseball team had a special promotion this weekend by filling the stands with pregnant women. The promotion went well until a fight broke out during the Seventh Inning Stretch-Marks.

We Landed on the Moon!!! :
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin spent 21 hours and 38 minutes exploring the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated the historic event by spending 21 hours and 38 minutes trying to get off the toilet.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by taking one small step into his Cadillac, and one giant leap towards the Denny's early-bird buffet.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing when American astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin touched down in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by landing in a sea of tranquility on his mattress's surface.

HEADLINES

Cupcake Madness :
A town in Minnesota broke a Guinness World Record last week by making a cupcake that weighed 150 pounds. Next for the town, making a 200 pound diabetes test.

Old Timers Day :
A World War I veteran died in Great Britain this weekend at the age of 113. The man's parents are devastated.

Dog Eat Dog :
Former NFL all-star quarterback Michael Vick was released from jail today after serving over three years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While in jail, Vick learned the fault of his ways, having now seen the world through the eyes of a bitch.

(Another sodomy joke on a Monday?... well if you really want...)

Model Behavior :
A British male model says that he will continue to work as a model despite the fact that he is incarcerated in Queens for committing several robberies over the last year. The man will go from being in Guess to guessing who's going to be in him.

(HEEEEEEY-YOOOOO)

HEADLINES

NYPD Shoe :
An NYPD officer returned to work this week after losing his leg in the line of duty last year. For a year now, the officer has been telling colleagues "I'll be back," to which they responded, "You don't have a leg to stand on."

Marlbor - oh no! :
A New Hampshire man was charged 23 quadrillion dollars for a pack of cigarettes this weekend due to a glitch with the credit card machine. To add insult to injury, the clerk accidentally gave him menthols.

I Can't Believe it's not MJ! :
PETA has announced that they will make a life size statue of Michael Jackson out of a non-dairy butter spread as a tribute. If children approach the statue they will find themselves covered in a white, slippery substance; so it will be much like the real Michael Jackson.

Super Market Creep :
An executive of Gristedes supermarket chain was arrested yesterday after planning to meet with a 14 year old girl he met online for sex. To the man's credit, he did bring protection... both paper and plastic.

HEADLINES

Thanks Be to Fraud :
A Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday after dressing up as a Roman Catholic priest and visiting patients in a local hospital. The authorities became skeptical of the man when the patients in the children's wing went unmolested.

It's Just Not Cricket :
Supreme Court hopeful Sonia Sotomayor has admitted that during her first year of attending Princeton University she could not sleep because she was terrified of the crickets around her dormitory. Sotomayor went on to say, "A person who's afraid of minuscule insects, can make a better judgment than a white man."

Apoca-Calypso :
Mel Gibson recently finished directing his Russian girlfriend's new music video. The video is already being considered the front runner for the VMA's prestigious "Best X-Rated Torture Scene in a Holocaust Denying Video."

'We Don't Need No Stinkin' Deodorant' :
The employees of an office building in Santa Fe, New Mexico are claiming that there is a stench in the building so bad that they are no longer able to work there. Explained the buildings manager, "I'm sorry, that's just Mexico."