HEADLINES

Louisville Drugger :
Last night was Major League Baseball's annual Home Run Derby. The first 500 children under the age of 10 to arrive received HGH and a syringe signed by the participants.

M-Gay :
A new book to be published claims that the late Michael Jackson was a homosexual who partook in many gay liaisons over the last two decades. In other shocking news, it has been determined that the Earth is round.

"F" is for Fat :
A study conducted in New York City has determined that obese students do significantly worse in school than their fit counterparts. When reached for comment, one obese student said, "pass the salt."

Pimps, Hoes, and Bikers :
In order to reduce global warming a brothel in Berlin, Germany is offering a reduced rate if clients ride a bike to the house of ill repute, as opposed to a car. A small minority of men might consider removing the seat from said bicycles and cutting out the middle man.

HEADLINES

Time to Make the Doughnuts, 'ey :
This morning in New York City, thirteen Tom Horton's doughnuts shops opened up. Tom Horton's is a Canadian franchise which serves doughnuts which are extremely high in sugar, fat, and calorie count, making it the unhealthiest Canadian import since John Candy.

Zoo-bama :
A zoo in Germany apologized this weekend for naming a chimpanzee "Obama"; a gesture which many people found racially insensitive. Still no apologies for the jack-ass named "Biden" or the female canine named "Clinton."

Bottle Service :
Over ten of New York City's most popular night clubs were fined this week, after it was discovered that they fill their top shelf liquor bottles with cheaper liquor and significantly over charge for it. In the clubs' defense, they didn't want their dads to find out they drank all of the good stuff.

Supreme Court Drudge :
Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court began this morning. Sotomayor, who would be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, actually arrived late to the proceedings. Allegedly she had trouble hitching a ride from the Home Depot parking lot.

(Sorry about that last one... it was too good not to use)

HEADLINES

Super Zero :
Two men dressed as Superman and Batman were arrested in Time Square yesterday after causing a ruckus. Both men spent the night in jail. Lucky for them, they probably lost their virginity.

Black or White or... :
A source close to Michael Jackson said yesterday that Jackson wore his trademark single white glove to hide his skin problems. Bang up job Michael, we didn't notice a thing!!!

Load of Bull :
A man in Pamplona, Spain died yesterday in the annual Running of the Bulls. While the autopsy is not yet complete, it has been speculated that the cause of death was stupidity.

Seal-ed With a Kiss :
A Brooklyn, New York aquarium is charging $200 for attendees to visit the seal exhibit and get a kiss from a seal. For $250 they offer a flipper job. (Hey-yoooo!!)

HEADLINES

Forget it Jake, This is Chinatown :
The owner of the famous Chinese restaurant Mr. Chow in New York is seeking to take legal action against a man named Phillipe Chow who opened a restaurant with the same name, and with a very similar menu. In Phillipe Chow's defense, there are only so many ways to prepare Cocker Spaniel meat.

Over the Hills and Far Away :
Greenpeace Activists staged a protest on Wednesday by displaying a banner on Mount Rushmore imploring President Obama to take action against the threat of global warming. Lets face it, if you want to stage a large scale, widely recognized demonstration, where better than in the mountains of South Dakota.

Mental Floss :
A Connecticut man was arrested this week after showing up to a dentist appointment completely naked. Said the man, "I simply wanted my cavity checked."

Rest in (Reces) Peaces :
In very tragic news, a New Jersey man who worked in a chocolate factory died yesterday after slipping into a vat of chocolate and drowning. The man's family has asked that in lieu of flowers, funeral attendees bring fondue sticks and fruit.

HEADLINES

Movin' on Up :
On Tuesday a man from Arkansas was arrested for living in a Pennsylvania family's attic for over a week. The family became aware of the man's presence when his sister dropped by for a booty call.

Manny Being Manny :
Manny Ramirez, who was suspended from Major League Baseball in April for taking female fertility drugs, was suspended from a game yesterday after throwing his batting helmet, bat, and storming away from an umpire after a close strike call. Manny went to the clubhouse where he took a bath, ate ice cream, and cried while watching "Grey's Anatomy."

Thanks be to TV :
A new reality show in development will put 10 atheists in a house with a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam, who will all try to convert the contestants before the shows finale. Word of advice to the Rabbi; I wouldn't open with the circumcision.

DWI - Driving While In the Nude :
Police pulled over a drunk driver in Delaware last night, only to find that the man was not wearing any pants. Said the inebriated driver, "I didn't think I drove a stick."

HEADLINES

No One Wants to be Defeated -
It is estimated that over 1 million people will be flooding the streets of Los Angeles today to pay their last respects to Michael Jackson, and over 20% of those people will be children. Needless to say, if Michael Jackson is watching he's definitely "beat-ing it."

Can't Stand It -
A budget airline based out of Ireland was given permission this week to sell standing room only tickets for flights to and from Ireland. Now that they've cleared that hurdle, the next obstacle is finding an Irishman who can stand.

Dane in the Ass -
Dane Cook's brother was charged today with stealing over $11 million dollars from his comedian brother over the course of the past 4 years. In the spirit of Dane Cook, this joke will not have a punchline.

Camp "I-Don't-Wanna" -
Through a loop-hole in the legal system, it is unlawful for camps in New York to do background checks on its potential counselors to see whether or not they are sex offenders. Said potential counselors, "What about a hole!!?"

(I scattered the pedophile jokes)

HEADLINES

Rumble in The Bronx:
A 22 year old man was arrested in a club in the Bronx this weekend after allegedly punching a fellow club goer in the face, after she refused his request to dance with him. In the man's defense, it may have been a cabbage patch gone awry.

Little People, Big Controversy:
Little people around the USA are protesting the use of the term "Midget" on television broadcasts. To show that they are serious they've threatened to take the networks to small claims court.

Strong Island:
Due to a 150% rise in mosquitoes so far this year in Long Island resulting from above average rainfall, officials are releasing a gas which is thought to stop mosquitoes from mating and procreating. Next up, a similar gas, but for guidos.

The Obama and the Heir:
On the 4th of July, a sea turtle named Obama was re-released into the waters of the coast of Key West, Florida. In related news, a sea turtle named for Vice President Joe Biden was found dead, having choked on its own foot.