March 15, 2008

THIS WEEK'S NEWS:

POLITICS

"In Love with a Jersey Girl"
On Thursday New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned from office after details came out about a tryst with a high priced prostitute. The prostitute in question was a 22 year old girl from Belmar, New Jersey who charged the governor $4,300 for one hour of service. Apparently no one told the governor it doesn't take $4,300 to get a girl from Belmar; all it takes is an "MTV True Life" special and enough cash for a round of jaeger bombs.

"Blind Ambition"
Lieutenant Governor David Paterson, whom is legally blind, will take over for Spitzer. One thing's for certain, there's no need to worry about Paterson spending $5,000 on a prostitute. He can get one at Port Authority for $10 and not be able to tell the difference.

ENTERTAINMENT

"Pride of the Yankees"
On the eve of his 60th Birthday, actor/comedian Billy Crystal fulfilled a childhood dream by stepping up to bat as a member of the New York Yankees in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Billy struck out in six pitches, but did make contact with one ball hitting it foul. Crystal is now the most successful Jewish ballplayer in the history of the Major Leagues.

SOCIETY

"Daddy's Little Whore"
A medical board survey found that 1 in 4 teenage girls in the United States suffers from a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The study also showed that the other 3 were fat... Sorry teenage guys!!!

THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:

"Fond Memories of Paddy's Past"
This Monday marks my 22nd St Patrick's Day. Do I remember them all? No. Do I remember most of them? Hardly. But here is what I do know. St. Patrick's Day is a day unlike any other, and I'm not saying that because my name starts with an "O apostrophe." Can anyone imagine another day where midday public drunkenness is not only excusable, but practically expected, and everyone completely disregards their cultural roots to embrace anther's? The answer is "No."

While everyone celebrates St. Paddy's in their own special way, from Dublin to New York to Savannah, there are certain things which remain true no matter where you go. One, you must begin the day with an Irish Car Bomb (though don't call them this in Irish sensitive regions of the country); Guinness, Baileys, Jameson... you simply can't go wrong. Two, you must deal with Italian friends who year after year try to convince you that St. Patrick was Italian. Simply not true. He was born in a section of Britain which was controlled by the Roman Empire. By this argument Jesus Christ was Italian as well. Third, you must bring your drunkenness to a public forum whether it a parade, a bar, wherever. Experience the day with strangers, and give them sloppy drunken hugs. Finally, Irish music must be the soundtrack to your day. From the Irish Rovers, the The Pogues, to the Saw Doctors, Wolftones, and Dropkick Murphys... play it, and play it loud.

Have a safe and joyful St. Paddy's everybody... God knows I will... Strength & Honor.