What a Boob :
A woman in Staten Island won a civil law suit today against a plastic surgeon who botched her breast augmentation and ended up giving her four breasts. The decision couldn't have come at a worse time as the doctor was scheduled to give her husband two extra hands today.
Super Mario :
Television personality Mario Lopez announced yesterday that he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child - so there will be one more person who can't name a single accomplishment of Mario Lopez besides playing AC Slater.
Hold the Blubber :
A posh sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has come under fire for serving whale. Said a spokesman for the restaurant, "What were we supposed to do not serve the star of Precious?"
Not So Slim Pickings :
Mexican Carlos Slim topped Forbes Magazine's annual list of the richest people in the world with an amassed fortune of nearly $53.5 billion - still no word on how many lawns he had to cut to make that sort of money.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
HEADLINES
Oh, Canada :
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.
Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.
Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.
Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.
Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
HEADLINES
Dirty Chavez :
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez blasted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton today, and said she was simply a "blonde Condeleeza Rice" - to which Bill Clinton responded, "That's pretty hot. Let's work with that."
This is Your "Pilot" Speaking :
A man was arrested in a Dutch airport this weekend in possession of a fake pilot's license - looks like it's back to waiting in the back seat of the car as his older brother flies the plane for him.
The Outlaw Lil' Wayne :
Hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne was convicted to one year in prison today stemming from an arrest last year for illegal gun possession. Lil' Wayne is expected to change his image in prison, and has supposedly already adopted a new nickname - "Lil' Bitch."
Youth in Asia :
The Chinese government conducted a study which concluded that a record number of children in the country are obese. They plan to rectify the shocking discovery by setting up after school exercise programs for the boys and by castrating, stoning, and drowning the girls.
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez blasted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton today, and said she was simply a "blonde Condeleeza Rice" - to which Bill Clinton responded, "That's pretty hot. Let's work with that."
This is Your "Pilot" Speaking :
A man was arrested in a Dutch airport this weekend in possession of a fake pilot's license - looks like it's back to waiting in the back seat of the car as his older brother flies the plane for him.
The Outlaw Lil' Wayne :
Hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne was convicted to one year in prison today stemming from an arrest last year for illegal gun possession. Lil' Wayne is expected to change his image in prison, and has supposedly already adopted a new nickname - "Lil' Bitch."
Youth in Asia :
The Chinese government conducted a study which concluded that a record number of children in the country are obese. They plan to rectify the shocking discovery by setting up after school exercise programs for the boys and by castrating, stoning, and drowning the girls.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
HEADLINES
Realityin' :
Former Alaskan Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in talks with Mark Burnett to create a reality television show about her and her family. The working title of the show is - "Are You Smarter Than a Teen Mom Ice Road Trucker with Corky from Life Goes On."
Snow Me :
A family in New Jersey has come under criticism for making a sexually explicit female snowman on their property. The women in the town contacted the authorities when their husbands began coming home with chapped penises.
Hairy Situation :
A Deli owner in New Jersey is in hot water for allegedly putting a hair on the order for a police officer who had pulled him over for speeding in the past. In fairness to the man, it was not his intention to put a hair in the officer's food, it must have come off of his nut sack.
Too Chubby to Fly :
A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested yesterday for masturbating in his seat in midair. The woman seated beside the passenger knew something was awry when she noticed his penis was in its upright and lock position.
Former Alaskan Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in talks with Mark Burnett to create a reality television show about her and her family. The working title of the show is - "Are You Smarter Than a Teen Mom Ice Road Trucker with Corky from Life Goes On."
Snow Me :
A family in New Jersey has come under criticism for making a sexually explicit female snowman on their property. The women in the town contacted the authorities when their husbands began coming home with chapped penises.
Hairy Situation :
A Deli owner in New Jersey is in hot water for allegedly putting a hair on the order for a police officer who had pulled him over for speeding in the past. In fairness to the man, it was not his intention to put a hair in the officer's food, it must have come off of his nut sack.
Too Chubby to Fly :
A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested yesterday for masturbating in his seat in midair. The woman seated beside the passenger knew something was awry when she noticed his penis was in its upright and lock position.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
HEADLINES
Drunkey Business :
A chimpanzee from a zoo in Moscow, Russia was sent to a special rehabilitation program this weekend to ween him off of his reliance to alcohol. The chimp realized he needed help when he woke up one morning and he wasn't in a pile of his own feces.
No Underoos :
Earlier this week 5,200 people posed naked on the steps of the Sydney Opera House as part of a project by famed photographer Spencer Tunick. The photo shoot was going great until one man's shrimp ended up in another man's barbie.
Yankin' His Chain :
New York Governor David Paterson is being investigated for breaking ethics regulations by accepting tickets to go to a Yankees World Series Game. In fairness to Paterson, however, he was told he was simply listening to the game on a radio while standing on a crowded airport runway.
OMFG!!! :
The Israeli military called off a secret raid yesterday after a militant supposedly wrote about the raid on his Facebook status. The Israelis became aware of the situation when half of the "Palestine Rocks!!!" Page "Liked" the status.
A chimpanzee from a zoo in Moscow, Russia was sent to a special rehabilitation program this weekend to ween him off of his reliance to alcohol. The chimp realized he needed help when he woke up one morning and he wasn't in a pile of his own feces.
No Underoos :
Earlier this week 5,200 people posed naked on the steps of the Sydney Opera House as part of a project by famed photographer Spencer Tunick. The photo shoot was going great until one man's shrimp ended up in another man's barbie.
Yankin' His Chain :
New York Governor David Paterson is being investigated for breaking ethics regulations by accepting tickets to go to a Yankees World Series Game. In fairness to Paterson, however, he was told he was simply listening to the game on a radio while standing on a crowded airport runway.
OMFG!!! :
The Israeli military called off a secret raid yesterday after a militant supposedly wrote about the raid on his Facebook status. The Israelis became aware of the situation when half of the "Palestine Rocks!!!" Page "Liked" the status.
Monday, March 1, 2010
HEADLINES
Granny Get Your Gun :
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.
Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."
Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.
Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.
Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."
Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.
Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.
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