HEADLINES

Beach Tits :

A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.

Blue Mountains of Justice :

A 32 year old Florida man made headlines this week after calling 9-1-1 on his mother for stealing his beer. The man was given a warning for abusing 9-1-1 - his mother was beaten, tazed, and held without bail.

King of the World? :

A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.

Soda Poop :

A New Jersey teen who confessed to defecating in a classmate's soda during shop class was sentenced to one year probation this week - a lenient sentence because the judge didn't want to destroy his future - because the future is clearly bright for a young man who defecates in another's soft drink.