HEADLINES

Forget it Jake, This is Chinatown :
The owner of the famous Chinese restaurant Mr. Chow in New York is seeking to take legal action against a man named Phillipe Chow who opened a restaurant with the same name, and with a very similar menu. In Phillipe Chow's defense, there are only so many ways to prepare Cocker Spaniel meat.

Over the Hills and Far Away :
Greenpeace Activists staged a protest on Wednesday by displaying a banner on Mount Rushmore imploring President Obama to take action against the threat of global warming. Lets face it, if you want to stage a large scale, widely recognized demonstration, where better than in the mountains of South Dakota.

Mental Floss :
A Connecticut man was arrested this week after showing up to a dentist appointment completely naked. Said the man, "I simply wanted my cavity checked."

Rest in (Reces) Peaces :
In very tragic news, a New Jersey man who worked in a chocolate factory died yesterday after slipping into a vat of chocolate and drowning. The man's family has asked that in lieu of flowers, funeral attendees bring fondue sticks and fruit.

HEADLINES

Movin' on Up :
On Tuesday a man from Arkansas was arrested for living in a Pennsylvania family's attic for over a week. The family became aware of the man's presence when his sister dropped by for a booty call.

Manny Being Manny :
Manny Ramirez, who was suspended from Major League Baseball in April for taking female fertility drugs, was suspended from a game yesterday after throwing his batting helmet, bat, and storming away from an umpire after a close strike call. Manny went to the clubhouse where he took a bath, ate ice cream, and cried while watching "Grey's Anatomy."

Thanks be to TV :
A new reality show in development will put 10 atheists in a house with a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam, who will all try to convert the contestants before the shows finale. Word of advice to the Rabbi; I wouldn't open with the circumcision.

DWI - Driving While In the Nude :
Police pulled over a drunk driver in Delaware last night, only to find that the man was not wearing any pants. Said the inebriated driver, "I didn't think I drove a stick."

HEADLINES

No One Wants to be Defeated -
It is estimated that over 1 million people will be flooding the streets of Los Angeles today to pay their last respects to Michael Jackson, and over 20% of those people will be children. Needless to say, if Michael Jackson is watching he's definitely "beat-ing it."

Can't Stand It -
A budget airline based out of Ireland was given permission this week to sell standing room only tickets for flights to and from Ireland. Now that they've cleared that hurdle, the next obstacle is finding an Irishman who can stand.

Dane in the Ass -
Dane Cook's brother was charged today with stealing over $11 million dollars from his comedian brother over the course of the past 4 years. In the spirit of Dane Cook, this joke will not have a punchline.

Camp "I-Don't-Wanna" -
Through a loop-hole in the legal system, it is unlawful for camps in New York to do background checks on its potential counselors to see whether or not they are sex offenders. Said potential counselors, "What about a hole!!?"

(I scattered the pedophile jokes)

HEADLINES

Rumble in The Bronx:
A 22 year old man was arrested in a club in the Bronx this weekend after allegedly punching a fellow club goer in the face, after she refused his request to dance with him. In the man's defense, it may have been a cabbage patch gone awry.

Little People, Big Controversy:
Little people around the USA are protesting the use of the term "Midget" on television broadcasts. To show that they are serious they've threatened to take the networks to small claims court.

Strong Island:
Due to a 150% rise in mosquitoes so far this year in Long Island resulting from above average rainfall, officials are releasing a gas which is thought to stop mosquitoes from mating and procreating. Next up, a similar gas, but for guidos.

The Obama and the Heir:
On the 4th of July, a sea turtle named Obama was re-released into the waters of the coast of Key West, Florida. In related news, a sea turtle named for Vice President Joe Biden was found dead, having choked on its own foot.

THE RELAUNCH

Well, it's been some time since I last blogged. May 18, 2008 to be exact. A lot has happened since that time. The American economy has nose dived to 'Great Depression' numbers, Captain Sullenberger avoided hitting my apartment with his plane (*Sully is a nickname for Sullivan and Sullivan only you Swiss fraud), and of course, how can I forget, the first African American was named head of the RNC. The current economic climate has left me with an awful lot of time on my hands, so I figured might as well relaunch the blog. The American people want to know my take on the issues, and goddamn it I'm going to give it to them.

In my free time I've been watching a lot of television and have come to notice one very unsettling reality. More and more prescription medications are advertising over the airwaves. Two decades ago this would've been unheard of, but today they try to come up with new and inventive advertising to sell their medications (which you can't get without the consent of a doctor... maybe the MDs are in on the conspiracy). My personal favorite is for Enzyte. The commercial has nothing to do with natural male enhancement. As far as I can tell Enzyte gives you bells palsy and the ability to drive a race car. Then there's Plan B which any heterosexual male who has attended college knows is the "morning after pill." Theoretically Plan A is birth control, Plan B is... well Plan B, Plan C would be an abortion, Plan D would be abandoning the child in a dumpster, and Plan E would be (god forbid) raising the fucking child. Sure am glad, Ma' and Pa' chose Plan E for me. There's a whole slew of medications for fat and bald men. medications which promise to help you lose weight and grow hair. These products are pure bullshit, and do you know how I know? People are still fat and bald!!! Have you been to a Radio Shack lately. Finally, and this is my favorite, there's female birth control which you should not take "if you are pregnant or may become pregnant." Every woman may become pregnant!!! That's why they're taking your product in the first place!!!

Well that felt nice. You can only keep these eschewed opinions locked up for so long. I'll be back. Keep on livin' and as always STRENGTH & HONOR.

May 18, 2008

THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING

"Subway Series"
Well it's that time of year; the Yankees and the Mets face off for New York baseball dominance. I was set to go to the first game this Friday, but nature had other plans. Then came Saturday's game, and the coverage on YES was shameful. Obviously they have never had a blimp at a game before because they were clueless as to how to use the aerial shots. I am poised to say that 55% of the first 3 innings were shown from the blimp. I may have contracted vertigo (if that's possible).

Whilst enjoying the subway series, I was informed of a very interesting fact by my friend and colleague John E. Roe. Johnny tells me that there was a time in America's past time (before the Yankee's payroll was equivalent to the Gross National Product of Belize) when Major Leaguers like Yogi Berra and Whitey Ford used to have jobs during the off season just to pay the bills. This got me to thinking. What if this was still the case? What would our favorite Yankees be doing during the off season? Don't worry your pretty little heads, Uncle John is going to tell you...

Jason Giambi (1B)- Bouncer at a NJ Boardwalk dive bar that no one goes to.
Robinson Cano (2B) - A bus boy at an upscale restaurant who shows real potential to one day be a waiter.
Derek Jeter (SS) - Stockbroker/sex-addicted Genesis fan in a nice suit.
Alex Rodriguez (3B) - The asshole outside Abercrombie & Fitch with no shirt on.
Bobby Abreu (RF) - Latin pop star.
Melky Cabrera (CF) - The guy who hand drys your car at the end of the car wash (the kind where you sit in the car... obviously)
Johnny Damon (LF) - Mowgli in an off Broadway production of Disney's "The Jungle Book."
Hideki Matsui (DH) - Sushi chef with a proclivity for hardcore, barely legal porno; the type stuff you can't get in the mail.
Shelley Duncan (Bench) - Matthew Lilliard's stand in.
Morgan Ensberg (Bench) - Head counselor at a leadership camp who's very sad deep down.
Ian Kennedy (SP) - Anything where he would undoubtedly under achieve and let everyone down.
Phil Hughes (SP) - A member of the Goljan family.
Brian Bruney (RP) - Drunk.
Kyle Farnsworth (RP) - Guy Pierce's stand in.
Mariano Rivera (Closer) - Overly protective/cautious owner/manager of a Bodega who is convinced everyone is trying to steal from him.

Play Ball!

April 27, 2008

THIS WEEK'S NEWS:

SPORTS

"Draft Madness"
The NFL draft took place this weekend and Arkansas running back Darren McFadden was taken fourth overall despite serious concerns about his character and off field issues, most notably his penchant for illegitimate children. The Raiders are already drafting his contract to include a vasectomy and a bi-monthly appearance on "Maury."

WORLD

"Private Dick"
Authorities in the Congo have arrested a man suspected of being a "penis snatcher." The man is said to have been cursing men with voodoo to make their penises small and impotent. Authorities feel confident in assuming he had already conquered Ireland.

POLITICS

"Johnny B. Angry"
It has been reported that during his first presidential campaign in 2000, Senator John McCain snapped at his wife and amongst other things, called her a "trollop." The incident officially establishes that John McCain is incredibly old.

THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
(NOTE: Not for the weak of heart... for German pornographers)

"Shit Out of Luck"
Well if there's one thing we learn as a child its the fact that "Everybody Poops." There's even a book of the same name (get the Pulitzer ready). As we grow old though, the simple concept of excretion becomes increasingly embarassing. Especially if you're like me and make a habit of popping a squat 3 to 4 times a day. Perhaps there's no more embarassing time to do this most human of things, however, as during a house party. The sensation hits you like a sledgehammer to the kidneys and you know its time. Several things will always happen... and in this order...

1) You wait until there is no one around the bathroom and get in line.
2) The girl who you could see yourself going home with will line up behind you.
3) You offer her your spot in a corny way and say something borderline pedophilic (i.e. "who said chivalry is dead?")
4) She turns you down due to the fact that she will be bringing upwards of 4 friends with her (what the fuck do you ladies do in there?)
5) The door opens and its your turn.
6) You sit on the pot with your pants barely down (basically only your ass exposed), lean forward and press your hands against the door (I never trust locks in these situations).
7) You take an implausably fast shit (2 mins 30 secs tops).
8) You notice there's no toilet paper... QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE - New York Times? Wash cloth? or your own sock?... you decide.
9) There is no air freshener and the room smells like a tijuana port-a-potty.
10) You collect every scented thing in the room (hair spray is clutch) and cover the room in it.
11) Exit and exchange a friendly smile with the girls.
12) Get awkward stares for the rest of the night.

So what did we learn today, kids? Sure, everybody poops, but at what cost?