The Evolution of Paper :
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.
The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.
Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.
The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
HEADLINES
No Sons in the Champagne Room :
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
Monday, November 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Kiss-mas Ban :
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
Friday, November 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Toddler, M.D. :
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
HEADLINES
Old School :
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Hamsters Not Included :
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
Friday, November 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Give a Dog a Bone :
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
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