HEADLINES

Sex and the Saudi :
A Saudi Arabian man has come under fire from the ultra conservative Saudi government for going on television and giving advice on how to spice up your sex life. Among the man's more radical suggestions was, let the woman out of her cage.

I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning :
34 employees at a bank in Texas were hospitalized yesterday for dizziness and trouble breathing, in what authorities initially reported as carbon dioxide poisoning. Further investigation, however revealed that the cause of sickness was a fellow employees tainted perfume bottle. The perfume was the new controversial Nausea by Calvin Klein.

It's Gettin' Hot in Heeeeere :
Allen Stanford, a white color criminal who stole over 7 billion dollars, has requested to be moved to a different federal prison, because the one he is currently in is not air conditioned. In related news, Carlos the rapist has requested to also be moved because the brunch buffet has a sub par carving station.

Strong Island Redux :
A national health survey has found that Zach's Beach in Long Island is the most polluted beach in the United States. The most prominent pollutants were hair gel and 5 dollar cologne from Hollister.

HEADLINES

Give Me a Break :
To help the environment, some companies in New York City are allowing employees to ride their bikes to work and keep them in their offices and cubicles, because nothing says environmentally friendly like a wedgie in suit pants.

That's My Bush :
The New Orleans Saints star running back Reggie Bush and reality television personality Kim Kardashian amicably split this past weekend. Said the newly single star, "I have a hectic schedule in front of me; getting tackled, bruised, and thrown around on a weekly basis by guys twice my size." Reggie Bush could not be reached for comment.

Utah'lkin to Me? :
A 7 year old Mormon boy in Utah stole his parents car this weekend and led police on a scary chase to avoid going to church. The boy's wives were worried sick.

I've Got Your Number on my Ebay :
The phone number 867-5309, made famous by the 1980's Tommy Tutone hit "Jenny" is now available on Ebay to the highest bidder. The highest bidder will receive a new phone number, a great party story, and weekly weeping drunk dials from Tommy Tutone.

HEADLINES

Singin' (Naked) in the Rain :
Men in a small farm town in India have begun to send their daughters naked into their fields with plows while chanting religious hymns to appease the gods and attract much needed rainfall. While the chanting has not brought rainfall thus far, it has attracted an uncanny amount of 14 year old boys and men in overcoats.

Field of Wet Dreams :
Two drunk Iowa men were arrested this weekend for stealing 50 gallons of water from a public fire hydrant to use on their backyard slip n' slide. While no penalty has been handed down as of yet, living in Iowa may be punishment enough.

Your on Subway Camera :
The MTA has announced plans to put far more substantial video surveillance cameras in New York subway cars in an attempt to bring an end to criminal activity, so get ready to start buying your batteries at Radio Shack.

Vick Head :
The NFL officially reinstated Michael Vick yesterday after he spent 3 years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While Vick still has arm strength, determination, and a high football IQ, there is no word on how his option style will be effected by the fact that he's now bow-legged.

HEADLINES

Textual Relations :
New York Senator Chuck Shumer introduced legislation last week which would put a strict ban on text messaging by train and bus operators in the state of New York. Said one bus driver, "Omfg - toats pwnage - l8r".

Pound for Pound (Cake) :
Army Colonel Henry Moak celebrated his retirement from the United States Army yesterday by opening an army rationed piece of pound cake he had in his possession since 1969 and eating it. In unrelated news, Army Colonel Henry Moak has died of dysentery.

Thanks be to Super Sets :
A church in Ohio has been renovated and turned into a gym, while keeping all the religious symbols and decor in place. Many woman have already complained that the shaggy haired guy on the cross is ogling them inappropriately.

Right and Thong :
Police in Mississippi this weekend were on the hunt for a woman who carjacked another citizen while wearing a bikini. Eyewitnesses described the suspect as Caucasian, 5'4, and unshaven.

HEADLINES

French Onion Splooge :
A man in California is suing a restaurant after finding a condom in his french onion soup. In defense of the dyslexic chef, he got confused by the instructions, "put soup in crock."

All Lockered Up :
A 20 year old German man had to be rescued this weekend after accidentally locking himself in a locker at a train station. Soon after being let go, the man accidentally gave himself a wedgie and held his own head in the toilet.

Dental Problems :
A woman in south Florida has been arrested after illegally running a dental practice out of her own garage. The southern woman had inspected 50 patients and roughly 17 teeth.

Rest in (Mexican) Pizza :
Gidget, the chihuahua who rose to fame in the mid-90s starring in Taco Bell commercials has passed away at the age of 15. Gidget will be memorialized by being cremated and served as a crunch wrap supreme.

HEADLINES

Toakland, Brah' :
On Tuesday, Oakland became the first city in California to begin taxing the sale of medical marijuana in an attempt to stimulate the states struggling economy. When reached for comment, the mayor of Oakland said, "Dude, are you okay to drive to Sonic?"

Soccer Tool-igan :
A spectator who jumped from the stands last week and got into a scuffle with the LA Galaxy's David Beckham has been given a lifetime ban from attending Major League Soccer games. The man joins the 95% of the country who will never step foot in a soccer game. Welcome to the majority!

Boxers or Briefs? :
A German man was arrested last week for allegedly stealing over 1,000 pairs of underwear from various department stores over the course of the past several weeks. Should the man decide to hang himself in his prison cell, he certainly has a lot of elastic waste bands to choose from.

Vice President Vice :
In an interview yesterday Joe Biden stated that Ukrainian women were the most beautiful women in the world. It was a strange response to, "What are your thoughts on the wide scale opposition to the President's new health care initiative?"

HEADLINES

I Now Pronounce You Kelly and Kelly :
A Florida couple who share the same exact name, Kelly Hildebrandt, intend to get married this October marking the first time in United States history that this has occurred. When the expectant groom was asked, "What will it be like pleasuring someone named Kelly Hildebrandt," he replied, "Middle School."

Babies on Board :
A New York based minor league baseball team had a special promotion this weekend by filling the stands with pregnant women. The promotion went well until a fight broke out during the Seventh Inning Stretch-Marks.

We Landed on the Moon!!! :
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin spent 21 hours and 38 minutes exploring the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated the historic event by spending 21 hours and 38 minutes trying to get off the toilet.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by taking one small step into his Cadillac, and one giant leap towards the Denny's early-bird buffet.

Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing when American astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin touched down in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by landing in a sea of tranquility on his mattress's surface.